I decided it would be real unspiritual to rant like this on facebook, especially since this is directed towards a few people that I’ve seen posting shit all over facebook about addiction. Let me start off by saying, we all make our own choices, we all do our own dirt, and I’m certain that even you have skeltons in your closet.
That being said, I would never judge your life choices. However, if you accidentally forgot to take your birth control one day and that resulted in you having a child, yet you have the audacity to sit there and crucify me for being an addict in the process of recovering from the DISEASE of addiction, then I would recommend a serious self evaluation. Who are you to judge my life style just because I sinned differently than you?
For those of you who are uneducated, I didn’t wake up one morning and decide that I wanted to be a junkie. I woke up every morning from an early age with the burning desire to kill myself. After multiple attempts and hospitals, I found drugs.
It started off slow, just smoking pot and drinking on the weekends. I loved escaping myself and being able to forget, even if just for a few hours. However, I hated the smell, the taste, and the high that weed gave me. I hated the paranoia that came along with it, I hated the zombie like feeling, and most of all, I hated the deep thinking that sometimes sunk me into an even deeper depression. But good god did i love to get fucked up.
On my 14th birthday I was given my first ever bag of coke. I felt glamorous and classy. I was sniffing the drug meant for millionaires and models. I was the coolest 14 year old, so I thought. It didnt take long before my boyfriend at the time caught on and realized I had a problem. It wasnt the coke that I loved… it was just the smell of it. I couldnt stop smelling it. And of course… it was the coke that was the problem, not the addict. So i traded one addiction for another and thats when i fell in love with prescription pain killers.
it started off slow. perk 5s on the weekends, perk 10s because i started building up a tolerance, perk 30s so i didnt have to snort boatloads of acetaminophen just to get high. oxy 80s because i got more bang for my buck (as my tolerance went up, 2 30s cost about $50… so 60mg/$50 where as 1 80 cost about $50 as well. more mgs/dollar. it just made more sense economically) Each time I progressed with the strength of opiate… i swore it would end there. For example “I can do perk 30s as long as I never do oxy 80s. I can do oxy as long as I never do heroin. I can do heroin as long as I never shoot it” etc. etc.
I got heavily hooked onto oxy 80s by my senior years of high school and spent thousands of dollars supporting my habit. I had a job at the time that paid just enough for me to get high, buy cigarettes and put gas in my car. I had no bills to pay. I sold my ADHD medication for money for the drugs I wanted, I spent my lunch money, gas money, my money, your money, front money, burn money. on oxy.
Then… those FDA motherfuckers took my drugs away. Apparently the addictive quality of oxycontin is too dangerous for the public. So the FDA changed the formula for oxycontin and changed the name to OP. Still 80mgs… but completely uncrushable. Unsnortable, unshootable, unsmokeable, unchewable. Fuck.
I started realizing how much of my bank account I sniffed away, but refused to start doing heroin. After all, I’m too smart, too funny, too pretty, to ambitious to EVER do a drug as dirty and scummy as heroin, right? wrong.
I started doing perk 30s again at the beginning of my freshman year in college. I took a short break, spacing out the amount of times I’d get high on opiates because who the hell wants to go through withdrawal during syllabus week? So i slowed down my usage.
As a broke college kid, currently unemployed due to my geographical move, living in North Philadelphia… I made the decision that I either needed to stop doing percocets altogether… or find something cheaper, thus being introduced to heroin.
I can hardly recall those months from the day that I started to the day I went into rehab. About an entire year of my life is a blur. I became so grimy so quick that I cant even promise you that that was me. I sniffed my first bag for free, and the next thing I know I’m copping in Kensington, getting in fights with my partner in crime for giving me the skimpy bag.
Theres a whole lot in between… love, lust, break ups, etc. But to make a long story short, I fell in love with another heroin addict. We got high together constantly. We made our relationship official. We tried to get clean together. We got high behind each others back. He was shooting up, I was still snorting it. We broke up. I wanted him back. I shot up with him. He went to rehab. I started shooting percocets daily. I went to rehab. I got out. I got high. I got clean. I got high. I got clean. I shot heroin for the first time. I got clean, I stayed clean successfully for 9 months.
So excuse me if I get a little offended when people make ignorant comments like “why should I be proud of you for staying clean when you shouldnt have gotten high in the first place?” First of all bitch, you dont understand what a struggle it was DAILY for the first three months, and even sometimes today, to not get high. To not kill myself. To not break my families heart. Addiction is a fucking disease, and though I am not responsible for my disease, i AM responsible for my recovery. So if you have the audacity to sit there and tell me that I shouldnt be proud of my clean time, then WHY in the fuck am I going to congratulate you for getting knocked up as a teenager on accident because your boyfriend doesnt like to use condoms? Pregnancy isnt a disease. Its preventable if you are not ready to have a child. Addiction is incurable and fatal, yet treatable.
What I am trying to get at is dont judge me for the mistakes I’ve made and I wont judge you for yours. I’m just a person trying to get better and learn from the mistakes I’ve made in my past. If you dont want to pat me on the back for getting off drugs, ALL drugs, including alcohol, for an extended period of time, thats totally fine and completely your perogative. I dont do this for recognition, i do it because its time to start saving my life. However, dont expect a fucking congratulations from me that you accidentally got pregnant and everyone wants to act like it was planned and you were so ready to have a child. Fuck out of here. You’re an idiot thats too dumb to even take care of your birth control, let alone a child. This isnt to say that you are a bad parent at all. Not all teen parents are bad parents. But dont sit there and act like it was planned, and that you were TRYING to have a child. I’ve made my life choices, you’ve made yours.
When you learn to walk on water, I’ll learn to be tolerant of the judgements you pass on me.